A series of unfortunate events; why I've been slightly depressed recently

I'm very sorry if I've upset anyone with my recent facebook updates. Ever since Fred died I seem to have gone to pieces rather. Partly because he was my emotional crutch which suddenly got whisked from under me and partly because his death was the last in a row of stressful events.

My stress has been due to a number of things. Partly Dr Wights tests and all this recent research breakthroughs such as XMRV and the viral research on children, has been digging up uncomfortable feelings for me. I mean I'm delighted they are making some small progress finally but it feels like the moment of truth and I feel uncomfortable about being one of the people they're testing on in case my tests come up negative. What if I'm really some weird hypochondriac like all my local Drs claimed? Its daft because I regard being mentally ill as just as valid as being physically ill if you know what I mean. Its just that I didn't appear to be either physically or mentally ill but I ob wasn't normal either! I was so worried about this I didn't read the results properly when they first came through and got into a real state, convincing myself they'd found nothing wrong with them! I was just about to tell Dr Wight and his pesky tests to get lost when he told me they'd found a fault with my Mitochondria and suggested a treatment. That was the turning point when I decided to give him a chance and set up this blog to record my journey

I've felt guilty for a long time for being unable to find many positives in my ME and having acheived so little during the worst part.  The ME mags are full of stories of the positives people have found of having ME and and even on the forums I visit their full of 'severely affected' people who manage much more than I did during my worst (and even my slightly better). I mean I've done things since I started to recover fully but somehow it doesn't seem to count as I didn't regard myself as 'severely' ill when I did them.

Then there is the worst of my concerns, the one that actually makes me cry, which is I spent a long time when I was a child being scared of the Drs I was under taking me away from my parents and abusing me untill eventually I died because they'd made my health so bad. The terrible part is when I recovered and started to research ME I discovered that had actually happened, people had been torn away from their families, thrown in physiatric wards against their will, and died of lack of care and abuse. What makes me stricken now is how little is being done to stop it and how reluctant my fellow sufferers are to talk about it. If we can't even face up to it, how can we change it? The stories I read liberated me to understand my own but now I'm also chained by their ghosts. I can't just ignore them, I understand too about what they went through.

I was so hoping Dr Wights treatments would cure me so I had more strengh to change things. So far nothing miraculous has happened though which is my last cause of discontent